Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My Transparent Heart--Singing to my Savior

This evening I feel a need to be very open and transparent about something I have mostly kept to myself.  I have shared some of these thoughts and feelings with God, Andrew and a very limited number of close friends & family, but other than that I've been pretty closed-lipped about it.  My biggest fear in sharing these thoughts is that others are going to misunderstand and think that I wish I didn't have to adopt or that I'm 'settling' for adoption as my 'only hope' for a family.  Please let me be very clear, no matter my feelings toward my infertility.  I am THRILLED that we are adopting and that God has blessed us with the ability, the desire and the heart to adopt.  My sadness and grief in regards to my fertility is in no way related to our desire to adopt.  To me, they are two completely seperate issues, that just happen to be connected in a few ways.

Infertility is not something people talk about.  I think there are probably many reasons for this, it makes people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say, they are afraid of making it worse by saying something dumb, or they are afraid of reminding you of it by bringing it up.  Take it from someone on the other side, it is uncomfortable,we aren't looking for the magic answer in your words, you could very possibly say something dumb, (but don't we all do that everyday!) and most importantly you can't remind someone of something that they can't forget about.  I read a magazine article the other day that said it perfectly.  It was an article on Laura Bush and she was talking about her struggles with infertility.  She said, "The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.'  For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.'  But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.  Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" (Ladies Home Journal, June 2010).

This blog comes after I had a very difficult night, last night.  I was emotional, I was questioning, and I was having a bit of a pity party for myself.  After Andrew went to bed, I got back up and came into the living room, to try to find some peace.  I sought the Lord, I asked him my questions, I poured my heart out to Him, telling Him that I didn't understand.  That I was trying to trust, but that there were moments when the doubts overshadowed my faith!  I finally found a very real sense of peace.  The kind where I felt like He was wrapping me in His arms and wiping away my tears and telling me it was okay to grieve.  Its okay to be sad, but that I have to remember in the pain that He is there for it all.  I have to fight off the devil's lies and remember God's promises.  I read about some of the women in the Bible who had these same type of struggles...Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Elizabeth, and how God had a plan for the infertility they faced.  He also showed me, that yes, He had a plan for them, but they were sad and grieved, too.  I feel like the sin is not in the sadness, but in letting the sadness turn you away from God.

I am not blogging about this so others will feel sorry for me.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a Father in Heaven who loves me more than I can even imagine.  He has paid for my sins and forgiven me and is preparing my future home in Heaven so that I can live with Him eternally.  He has blessed me with the most amazing husband anyone could ever ask for.  We have the best families, church family, and friends.  He has even blessed us materially with more than we even deserve!  I also know and believe with all my heart, that this path He is leading us down right now, though very difficult at times, is the best path for us. 

I am writing this blog because I want others to know.  Infertility is painful and hard and there is no shame in that.  I will not hide the fact that it is hard, and there are many, many times when I don't understand.  I have cried the tears, and asked the questions, and I'm sure many more questions and tears are to come.  But I know through it all, that there is a reason, and that He loves us with an everlasting love.  

Many times in my life I have found that song lyrics can help me focus my thoughts.  Today was no different, this song, I have a Song, by Shannon Wexelberg helped me put my thoughts into words.  

I want others to know that through the pain and the grief, I have a song and I want to praise my God because I know, even when I'm questioning that He loves us and is taking care of us!  I pray my song is a tribute, an "anthem," to His faithfulness that brings Him all the glory and honor!  Thank you, Mrs. Wexelberg for this song that says exactly what is in my heart!



(2nd verse)
When I cannot see tomorrow
When the questions flood my mind
Looking back on wasted time
When my soul is full of sorrow
When the pain won’t go away
And such brokenness remains
I join the music rising far above it all
It’s an anthem to my true and faithful God

3 comments:

  1. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know the Lord is going to bless your family with children before you know it!

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  2. Thank you, Amanda. That really does mean a lot to me.

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  3. Hey Rachel.
    I am just now catching up on your blog, and want to thank you so much for posting this. We have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now with #2, w/no success yet. I know I already have one, but that does not diminish the pain and longing in my heart for more children! I can soooo relate to the emotions and process you aluded to in this post. It has been a hard and painful journey so far, and I have experienced so many emotions. It has only been when I have chosen to walk forward in faith that God put me on this road, that I have finally (recently) found peace. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your heart on this one--it really resonates with me!

    ~Allison Boast Von Stein

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